Back to work, Yoga, reflection, resume revamp

I go back to work this week. I am not doing a full-time schedule for now, and maybe not again for this job. I”m OK with it. I am needed part of the week here at home to help take care of my daughter with though my wife working from home. My wife needs a few days to get her meetings and work done with little to no distractions. That’s what we have been doing here since she started working again. It’s not too bad, since she’s done by 3-4. I’ve enjoyed the time I have had to bond with my daughter. I look forward to be around here to help her grow and be the best baby she can be. My mother in law is supposed to move in soon, but with the pandemic and chaos, she’s been stuck in Florida a lot longer than expected. When she moves in, maybe I will go back to full-time, maybe not. I am regardless been trying to better myself and get in a position to get a new job. One where I don’t feel like I’m being looked down on and shown no respect.

Which comes to my resume. Please take a look at the Resume page and critique it and give me some feedback. I”m going with a more functional resume to show off my skills rather than my history, and I’ve minimized the amount of security related info on it, which I feel pigeonholes me when I speak with people about possible job opportunities. I have been in numerous interviews and meetings (some with family who have offered to help me passing my resume around) and despite how adamant I am saying I don’t want anything related to security, they all say “Well, I know someone who has a security guard job.” It’s frustrating and a lesson to never settle for a job beneath your value and skill, because that’s where everyone will treat you as.

Before tha pandemic, I decided to take a break from BJJ. I had to because of the child care situation with my daughter. I didn’t know how long the break would be, or if I would ever go back. Since the pandemic, I still want to go, even if it’s 1-2 times a week, just because I love the action and it’s a form of therapy for me. It helps my mind and makes me feel better despite how many times I tap out. I need to see with the scenario I”ll have if and when I can. Also the small issue of the school reopening has to be sorted out. To pass the time I have taken up yoga again. I’ve been doing the DDP Yoga program, which is a program designed by a former pro wrestler. I don’t know what the base of it is, but adds some fitness related moves and modifies some of the moves. I have been enjoying it, but I’m not ready to video myself in stop motion like a lot of the guys i know on Instagram have been doing with their “Breakfast Yoga Club”. I am going to continue it with my wife, since it’s time together and it’s going to at least help up feel a little better.

Now seems a good time to write

Well, I hope everyone is having a good time in their isolation. I’m finding the positives and negatives of it.

I was thinking before all this my big worry was how my life was going to be when my wife went back to work full time. The original plan was my mother in law was going to move in and help with my daughter. Unfortunately before the lockdowns she had a serious medical issue that threw a wrench into plans. I stopped BJJ for what I hoped is a temporary thing, but even now I’m not sure. I had to put my daughter first, and had to give that up.

When my job ended in March, I tried to get PFL via the state. I had some time left and I thought I could use it for the time off. That got denied, and I’m still waiting for NY to get back to me about my unemployment claim. It’s sucks but I got enough to do to keep me busy.

One positive is getting to bond more with my daughter. My wife works from home and when she’s on a call or her computer, I’m responsible for my daughter. So far we are getting along, though my kid and I are control freaks when it comes to who’s schedule we should be on. The time taking care of her has helped me learn some patience and coping skills.

When I am not taking care of her I am cooking. I am trying different ways to cook, suck as pressure cooking and slow cooking on top of my usual air frying. The Ninja Foodi is t that. I’m also trying to connect with people more, which is something I just haven’t done mush. I want to try to learn some more skills to help me in the future.

I’m also thinking about my future. It’s frightening to me. I don’t know still about how things will work yet when it comes to my wife and daughter. Before everything, I was supposed to talk to my bosses about going part time to free up time to take care of things at home, and maybe get my other plans to move forward. I don’t know if that’s going to still be the plan or not. It’s frustrating to me. I already was about to have my life shifted in different directions, and having this situation we are all in makes things even more screwed up.

One month PTL

I was on Paid time leave the month of January.  It was a great experience spending time with my wife and daughter.  Did my wife and I get on each other’s nerves? Sure, but that was expected.  I was the chauffeur for my wife and daughter for day trips since my wife doesn’t drive and is stuck in the house all day.  I got to see my daughter grow and develop in that month, and that was invaluable.  

I also got certified as a notary signing agent.  I’m going to push myself to get into that work and leave what I am doing now.  I want a job that interests me, has flexibility in scheduling, and I have more control.  So far I am certified, bought supplies, for my insurance but waiting for the formal paperwork, and I am now working on networking and learning how to get work.  I also am putting together business cards and will set up a small page on my site to advertise.  It’s got my juices flowing.  I hope to start getting forward momentum going sooner rather than later.  

2020 coming up

I am a couple days from my PTL.  I’m taking the month of January off for paid time leave to bond with my baby and help my wife out.  I’m looking forward to the time.  I am taking advantage of that time by not just building my relationship with my daughter, but also try to build a future where I am able to make money and have a schedule that gives me the time to be there for her.

I am in the process of becoming certified as a notary signing agent.  That’s the person at a loan signing that guides you through and shows where to sign or initial loan documents.  I am already a notary public in NY, and this is the next step.  It’s an interesting gig, and has me excited and scared at the same time.

If I were to go this route, I’m self-employed then and have to handle taxes and networking and do a lot of things employees of companies take for granted.  I have to be laser focused and detailed oriented to a degree I’ve never been.  I also have to hit the ground running and pound the pavement hard to get work.  

I’m nervous and scared of the thoughts, but I am also trying a exercise I want to pass onto my daughter-something I wish I learned a long time go-that you should make that fear and nervous energy and make yourself excited for the challenge.  As scared as I am, I am excited that I’m betting on myself to make something happen for me.  I can’t just wait for others.  I have to get something going now, and if it means going on my own and being a contractor, so be it.   If I fail, I fail.  But life goes on and something else will come.  

My plan is to finish the certification class and pass the exam, get the supplies I’d need to get the job done, and try it at least part time to get myself into a groove as far as scheduling, the process, and see what I have to do to make this work full time.  

That’s my plan.  As we all know, everyone has a plan until you get punched in the face....

Reposting my renovation story

In what should be a time of happiness and excitement in the pending birth of my first child, that all has turned into a time of stress and anxiety. It’s all thanks to Manuel Guerra and Hincha Contracing Corp. Fuck this guy and his company, which hopefully will be out of business by the end of the year.

My wife and I needed a lot of work on our house. We first got some new windows from Home Depot, and they sent some guys over to install the windows. After they were done, my mother in law asked for their card, and it the crew of guys were from Hincha Contracting Corp. My wife calls and the business owner Manuel (Manny) comes and we show home the house and what we need done. We talk for a moment and he is excited for this project. Next day he emails a proposed contract with payment schedule, which my wife and I review and sign after some minor markups.

He and his crew arrive and start the first phase of work. I have a check ready for him for the first payment, but he didn’t want the check made to his company, but to him directly. So I do that and after he deposits it, he complains my bank won’t release the funds to his bank to clear the check. So I had to go out of my way to show the money was moved, it’s his bank holding the money. Eventually it’s cleared so he stops pissing and moaning.

All is well and good for about two weeks, aside from some minor miscommunications and modifications. Then Manny wouldn’t show up, just his guys. I get he has other jobs to oversee, but when he’s gone for days at a time and his crew are running short on supplies , that’s dodgy. On top of this, he starts ignoring emails or calls. He’d only respond to tell us that things we asked for (we compiled a detailed list of items we wanted in each room and had all the sku#s and Info from Home Depot for him to pick up) were out of stock, back ordered, or suddenly no longer sold in the store. This bullshit started pushing the end date of the project back, which Manny declared with confidence would be 45 days.

So a couple weeks in, he’s got some progress on phase 1 far along despite delays. He comes to me for the second payment. Now he wants part of it in cash since checks take time to clear, which now he wants in his company name. So I have to cancel my morning plans to go get this cash. While I was rushing to the bank to get the money. I theorized he’s trying to keep his assets looking low, but was it to dodge taxes or creditors? Was he getting ready for a divorce and trying to hide shit from his wife? So I get my end of the deal done. He still isn’t talking to us otherwise besides items we want are delayed. He ignores my wife’s messages about update on progress. Now he’s getting on my nerves. His crew is fine, they were helpful and reliable. I have no issue with them.

I have to mention we are living in this construction zone as this is happening. It’s chaos, everything is covered and I feel claustrophobic at this stage from the limited living space we have. What would happen at this stage of the work is he and his crew would finish a room, want to work in a room we have stuff in, and tell us work is going to start THE MORNING THEY ARRIVE. So I have to spend my morning before work breaking my balls moving stuff into any space I can find to clear the room about to be worked on. It was fucking ridiculous.

Finally my wife and I sit with Manny to get some sort of update and find out when the work will be done. We have a kid coming and have to get things ready. He goes on how we are rushing him, how we are ungrateful we are to the extra work he's had done (which some I have to get other people to fix). Then goes he needs more money to cover the cost of some other work in the house and my wife had none of that. She told him what the deal is, and Manny was all pouty face (he doesn’t like to be questioned or told what’s up, so he sits there like a bitch).

He later on that week asked about more money, I realize he’s using the money we give to pay for something in his other projects. We ask for proof why extra things had to be done, he gives a meely mouth answer-mind you some things he wanted to charge us for as extra were in the contract already, that he wrote.

At this point the kitchen was the last big phase. This is month three of the 45 day project. At this point I’m pissed, I’m being told don’t speak to Manny because my hot headedness could make matters worse. My wife and I have to go to Home Depot and get materials and supplies for Manny’s guys since Manny doesn’t show up anymore to the house more than once a week, and even then it’s for 10 minutes. He’s lying to his crew as well as us, but his crew is still loyal to him for now. My weekends and some nights involve picking up tiles, fixtures we want in the house that we listed, and going out of our pocket even more. I’m livid and it’s stressing me and my wife out.

Manny said he needed the money for the kitchen phase, which my wife specifically asked “is the money going to the cabinets as well?”. He said yes, but that was a lie. My wife had to deal with the cabinet and countertop people. Manny fucked that up. He was supposed to secure the sink, which he eventually did a week after the cabinets say in my house in boxes. We asked for specific tiles for the backsplash and small bathroom next to the kitchen. Manny didn’t get the right ones and we had to make do with what he did get, on top of getting the backsplash ourselves.

Finally I had it, I told him off how he fucked up the last summer my wife and I had before becoming parents, I had to miss doctor appointments with my wife to fix and deal with his bullshit. I told him he had 10 days to finish. I said “Next Wednesday at noon you are your crew’s stuff is out of this house.” The Tuesday before the deadline my wife and I catch Manny (usually he sees us, hides in his van and drives away if I don’t jump in front of it first). He said everything will be done by noon.

Wednesday we saw a lot of small things that need to be addressed as well as the radiators they removed to clean the floors. I tried the heat the Saturday before and one radiator they replaced started leaking. We sent Manny a pic of it-no response. I called Manny out on him not communicating with my wife, which he claimed he has. Eventually he couldn’t take it, said he quits and keep the rest of the money. He then tells his crew I fired him, they rolled their eyes. My wife finally vented the built up anger she had to him, which he antagonized her more. He was trying to bait us to say or do something so he was the victim.

Fuck Manny Guerra and his bitch ass. Punk isn’t even listened anymore as a GC. Look him up in the NYC Dept. of Buildings database, and you’ll see he’s a two time loser with his license. My wife and I are sending our experience and all the dirt we found on this scumbag motherfucker to everyone he is associated with:

-Home Depot corporate will be getting an email or two with facts on Manny. How can an unlicensed GC work on Home Depot projects? I wonder how much did Manny pad the invoices he handed in?

-Department of Labor may want to look into him for not paying his crew, who only stayed because Manny promised them a big payment in the end. We bursted that bubble by showing his guys what we have paid him up until that point.

-Any and every site that one can review Manny and Hincha Contractor Corp on will certainly get an factual assessment on this company’s performance and customer service.

-Better Business Bureau will be contacted.

It’s one thing to be a scumbag, but to not be a man and quit like the bitch he is (I have stronger Spanish words I was at one point going to refer to him as in front of him and his crew but I was advised not to) is inexcusable. Had he admitted he was in over his head or took the loss when he underestimated the cost, he would still be scum but at least owned up to something. But he tried to be slick and do me and my wife dirty. Well, this pig wants to play with us by dragging us into the mud he will eventually get slaughtered. He reminds me of another guy I was loyal to for years who also no show, have me do his work, and I paid him while got little in return. Eventually I smartened up and ended that relationship and have felt better.

Hincha Contractor Corp. and Manny Guerra are garbage, scum, a thief, con man, and in the end will get his. Hopefully by the end of the year he will be out of business selling pencils out of a tin can while his wife is turning tricks in a dark alley and getting stiffed on the money.

Last night before parenthood

I’m sitting at the hospital where my wife was admitted to be induced.  Nothing stupid, it was planned somewhat given some health issues (managed) that came up.  I’m going through several emotions right now: excitement, fear, you name it I have or am going through it.  My wife and I have prepared as much as we could, but we know it’s never fully prepared.  

My biggest hope for my daughter, besides obviously healthy, is that she is better than me in every way.  I hope she is smarter than me, better looking than me (hard to top perfection I know..), and just do better in this world than I have.  I don’t care what she wants to do, as long as she is happy and able to support herself doing what she wants.   

Mentally I’m realigning myself to not think of myself as much as I have.  I caught myself worrying about how my wife and I will handle things down the road, and I had to tell myself shit will work itself out.  I am a control freak, so  it’s hard to “let things happen”.  

Enough of my rambling, I need to sleep.

If you don't want to be robbed on vacation, stop acting and looking like you are on vacation.

I work weekends, and usually in Manhattan on weekends are a lot of rubes from out of town.  There are plenty during the week as well, but weekends are prime time for the hayseeds to ”come to the BIIIIG city!!”.  They are painfully obvious to spot out in a crowd, and they honestly deserve whatever scam or crime happens to them.  It amazes me how some of them want some sort of sympathy that they are from out of town.  

When I go to a new place, I research some things to help blend in and not be noticed.  The culture, customs, fashion, some language, how infrastructure works, just things you should know.  

When I went to Mexico City, everyone said: ”hey be careful, it's really dangerous there”.  Well had they done their research, they see it's not as bad as people think, and if you do a couple of things in research and common sense, you awe it's not the different as any other city, just with a different culture to explore.

So a couple of tips for you when you travel, especially you rubes, hayseeds, and marks who have the potential to get worked or worked over,

-Google us your friend.  You will find everything you should know about your destination.  Find out the weather climate, what the locals tend to wear, transit infrastructure, what's popular attractions and what locals prefer over said attractions. Just learn about the destination and its history.

-Don't look out of place.  Remember looking up what to wear? This is so you blend in and not walk around with a huge target on your head.  Don't look lost as if you've never been there before.  Don't be obvious, that's all.  Play it cool and be subtle with when you talk to a local person.  

-Dont EVER EVER EVER come out and say you're not from where you are.  You might as well as say ROB ME.  

-When travelling around, research all your options.  Don't walk up to the bus or train and hold the doors saying ”DOES THIS GO TO...”  also, learn a phrase or two if you are going somewhere the language.  People respect the rube that's trying over the tube that speaks as if the local obviously knows what they are saying.  

-Dont be the moron that runs to a chain restaurant or store to see ”whats different” as if that's a goal.  The people working in those locations think you're assholes for doing that.  

-Dont just randomly assume anything.  Don't travel to a place and assume everyone will welcome you.  Don't go to a big city, see what looks like a crack alley and say ”that should be safe to walk..” if it would look shady where you are from, it's probably shady where you are visiting.  

Just stop being stupid rubes, hayseeds, or marks when you're travelling, it's not fucking hard.

Kick ass, don’t tell me how you would….

Always remember a simple rule.  If someone can’t paint a picture about anything-job description, theory or reason for something, any answer-in less than four sentences, they are full of shit and trying to sound like an authority on something they know little about.  There’s entire industries of people like this and they are trying to fleece money from people.  They are everywhere in every facet of life.  Watch them and notice one thing:  they talk a big game about something, yet they themselves don’t DO whatever it is they are endlessly droning on about.

I was following someone on Instagram who I guess is considered an “influencer”, a startup CEO, overall step above con artist.  This person started BJJ, and floods social media feeds with long ass pontifications and “words of wisdom” for the followers.  I had to stop following because the messages being said were the same as the bullshit ones I see on LinkedIn and from BJJ “masters”, the tired phrases about going after it, failure is a lesion, blah blah blah.  It’s all dogshit people say to themselves to make them feel better about their, at best, mediocrity.  Then the “influencers” speak those phrases to others to fool them into believing the phrases and to fool the people into thinking the sayer has something important to say. 

I know BJJ blackbelts who do this.  These “masters” will post a 200-word “theory” on a technique or position.  Meanwhile you ask them to show their theory in action, they use smoke and mirrors to show it works in demonstration, but when used in “live rounds” it not only doesn’t work, but it puts you in a worse situation.  I know some “Blackbelts” that have built their reputation and business on their ability to “work the marks”.  

Where I train, theories are kept to a few sentences where it’s digestible, and then shown in a real situation that it works.  When asked about an aspect of it, they have a solution.  Their social media accounts aren’t overloaded with long diatribes.  When you talk to them they talk to you, not down to you are at you like you’re stupid.  

Take what I just said about BJJ and replace it with any subject.  I guarantee you will see and know what I’m talking about.  Go to the guy/gal you know is not qualified for their job and ask them what they do in their role.  If it takes more than four sentences to give you the clear gist of what they do, they are either in a bullshit job or they don’t know what they are doing.  

Lesson to take: don’t spend time talking the bullshit of what you do or want to do or would do.  Just fucking do it and let the results speak for themselves, and don’t draw attention to it to feed your ego.  

*insert the irony remarks about this post and the subject matter, blah blah blah...*

Life changes are like taking mushrooms, you got to be cool, work with the situation, and not let it get too out of control.

I feel like I'm on unsteady ground.  No, it's not my knees falling apart (though they have their own minor issues). It’s a lot of changes around me and I’m trying to go with the flow and not worry.  All the changes are positive, but big in size and scale.  

One that is going on is the transformation of my house.  My wife and I just had the siding redone and the house looks like a different place.  It’s updated and fresh, something it hasn’t been in decades.  As I write this there is work being started on the inside.  That work is massive as well and will take almost the rest of the summer.  That means everything is going to be turned upside down, hopefully not too disruptive.  But to prepare I got a new barbecue in case I don't have a stove from my kitchen being redone.  What will I do if I don't have water from some other work? Purel, bottled water, and cologne for days I'm not at the gym (or switch to all morning sessions).

The bigger change, and what prompted the house stuff, is my wife and I are expecting our first child in December.  We found out earlier this year and are excited.  So far so good health wise of my wife and future child.  Actually this pregnancy has helped my wife get in better shape from correcting some issues the pregnancy took from borderline to over the line.  Again, I'm trying to keep cool but my emotions do swing from excitement to panic.  It feels like an overwhelming task, but I'm trying to not over research or get advice from ”experts”.  That's a whole other rant for another time.  I'm going to try to keep calm and do what I think is best for everyone.  As I have learned, right solutions aren't always the ”best” solution, just have to do the best you can.

Oh, I'm also now a notary public in NY.  Hope that leads to a better job.  

Keeping running into that wall, it has to break at some point….

I don't know what I want as far as a job.  I am trying different postings to get something other than the job I have.  This isn't a job where there is growth either in skills, status, or cash.  I'm in this job because I needed this job at the time, not because I wanted it.  Part of me doesn't want to take a job because of the need to get out, because of my fear of being as or more miserable as I am now.  I'm learning on my own new things that I think could help my skill set, like Salesforce and actually studying to become a notify public.  I don't know what exactly I want to do for a job but I just know I want regular office hours, a job where I'm not standing all the time, and a job where I don't feel subservient to people, like the clientele of the company I work for now.  

I will say that some good has happened.  My resume is getting read and responded to, good or bad its getting attention at least the most recent version is on my resume page here ).  For example, I had a phone interview on Wednesday.   The person conducting it asked for Tuesday but I asked for Wednesday so I'm not talking on the phone at work.  First I hate phone interviews.  I find them awkward and you can't get any context of what is said.  This interview, to be honest, felt like it was a favor to just see what happens. Here's the rundown as to why I don't think this company took me seriously and was trying to test or sabotage me:

-The woman called me at 3 pm, the agreed time was 3:30 pm.  I could have raised an issue about it, but I was nice (I never learned the right times to be nice or raise hell).

-It was on speakerphone, which means either she was doing something else besides writing down my answers/notes or others were listening to the call.  Plus the speakerphone they used was garbled and sounded like she was sitting next to an open window or in a public place due to the background noise.  I had to have her repeat a lot of what she was saying.

-She clearly was reading a list of questions that she was reading from.  They were standard questions that I expected to a point, but they were delivered in a cadence that was as energetic as she was reading survey to me.  She clearly was going through motions that put me off.  I did get to hear her human side for a few seconds when I would throw curveball answers, but it was just robotic and devoid of energy.  

It wasn't great, and I probably could have done better answering the questions but how the whole thing went down just gave me a bad vibe.  My wife thinks I'm crazy and I sabotage myself in these things, but I'm so sensitive to not move into another bad job from what I have now.  

So I continue my search.  As I said, there are positives despite not getting hired somewhere else yet (despite the reports everyone is hiring), I'm onto something with my resume where it is getting responded to.  Any reaction is better than none.  I am getting bolder in reaching out like cold contacting recruiters on places like Linkedin.  So some small but positive stuff. 

Mexico City, BJJ, Boredom

*insert ”boy it’s been a while” lines*

Been lazy and busy.  So here's what's on my mind at the moment.

Spent Valentines Day weekend in Mexico City.  It's a blast down there.  It's not an expensive trip: airfare and Air B and B rates are fair, and it's cheap to get around and eat/drink.  There's so much to do down there and such diverse activities.  I went to the Basilica De Guadeloupe and even if you aren't Catholic it's worth the trip to see.  It's perfectly taken care of, but you can feel the history-a theme with a lot of attractions.  Walking around the historical section and seeing the old buildings was awesome, as well as modern architecture all over the city.  I spent time at Estadio Azteca and Arena Mexico as well.  There's a lot of other things there I didn't see, but my wife and I want to go back.

BJJ has been awesome.  I've been training 4-5 days a week, mornings three days and two at night.  Thursday nights have been made ”Advanced” classes where only blue belt and above can train.  It's ran almost like a competition class, where the intensity is ratcheted up.  It's been a grind and I feel like I'm stepping into beartraps vs. Black belts, but I'm learning a lot.  Since starting to do so much training, I feel better and I don't feel like I've been ejected out of a car wreck.  I know I'm doing all right when after class I feel like doing more or I'm pissed and want to go back out right there and prove to myself I don't suck.  That's a good thing.  

New year plan (subject to change)

My New Years plans involve a few goals. These are subject to change obviously but I do plan on working on achieving these goals.

First is a new job. I’m learning Salesforce admin to get certified for it. I downloaded some notes for it, and enrolled in an online course. Doesn’t seem hard but somewhat dense. Should not be too much of an issue.

Second goal is to advance in BJJ, either stripes on my belt or promotion to brown belt I am at the purple belt level, and have been for some time. I would like to achieve a full black belt in the next 5 years. I know changing schools has delayed me (generally changing schools pushes you back a year from what I’ve read). I am working at this goal by trying to get to more classes. I have to speak with some people to make sure I can go more.

Third is my house. There are projects in the house that needs to be done and I haven’t gotten done. The kitchen, mater bedroom, and other parts of the house needs work. Hopefully a new job in the future frees up my whole weekend so I can get some stuff done, and down the road have the money to pay for some renovations.

So that’s my goals for the next year.

Taking a different road in both my BJJ and mental/physical improvement.

I feel like I have some opinions and thoughts to share, and it will keep my mind occupied and not buried in anxiety.

For the last month or so, I have been training BJJ at a new school.  I left my previous school after being there for 8 years.  I left because I felt like I needed to change.  As great as the other students were, I felt like I was spinning my wheels, hitting a wall, and plateauing.  When my contract came up, I moved to another school and take a different path in my BJJ journey. 

The school is called Clockwork BJJ and I feel I made the right decision.  The staff and students there are always positive, supportive and in the mindset they want to train hard, but not kill each other.  The school itself is a Jiu Jitsu school, not an MMA school that has BJJ classes.  That may not sound big, but you clearly see a difference when you come from a place where MMA classes may go over and cut into BJJ class. 

All the instructors are really positive as well (PMA is a big thing at the school, and you see it's benefits in the students and instructors). They also teach not just the techniques, but their philosophy why you do these details of the techniques, which I find just as important.  Going to a differnet school has made me see the "art" part of "martial arts", where people may have different interpretations of the same technique, and it's great to see another thought or detail to moves I've known for a while. 

One month in and I enjoy it.  I am finding myself breaking down parts of my "game" and rebuilding it.  It's a good challenge. 

One last thing I want to talk about is CBD.  I have been using it for some time and when I remember to take it (today I was a dumbass and didn't), it helps kill the soreness and pain from my arthritis and helps clear my head of my anxiety and negative thoughts. 

CBD is the part of marijuana that's the medicinal part.  You don't get high off it (that's THC), but CBD helps your brain and body in different ways.  Like it said, it helps with killing all the negative thoughts I have and my anxiety I feel.  It's helped with my arthritis and muscle pain (it's an anti-inflammatory).  It helps me sleep and focus on things.  I've read stories how CBD helps pets with anxiety, kids with seizures, and many other benefits. 

That's all I got for now.

I choose to make myself uncomfortable and scared, and it's exciting and makes me feel alive in some ways.

I am in a time of some changes in my life.  I am in one of my stages where things need to be shaken up a bit.  I'm in a rut and need to disrupt some things in my life.  It's not a "living by chaos" mentality or anything, more "change equal stimulation". 

Here's what I've witnessed with one chooses to change something in their lives.  You will have people against the idea and try to discourage you from following through.  Sometimes those people are coming from a legit place of concern, but some will do this for their selfish reasons not for your interests.  Maybe they don't want to see you fail, maybe they lose out in some way that they are more concerned for than your happiness, who knows.  Just know that if the choices and changes in your life aren't dissappointing someone, you're doing it wrong.  You're not doing what you think is best for you, but to make others happy and satisfied.  Worry about you first and deal with being generous helping others after.  You got an experation date, don't waste your freshness on bullshit.

Change is hard, change is scary, choosing to change is ten times the feelings, but it's exciting and has my mojo going that I want to use in other parts of my life.

Close to 40, and I realize

I've realized the last couple weeks that if you like someone for some reason, despite whatever alleged negative things in their lives, it's ok.  Everyone is not perfect and unless someone has personally screwed you over or your family badly, what they do and how they handle their lives is their problem not yours.  

If I find someone ok to be around or be a fan of, that's my business but yours.  Everyone I know has some problem or something I'm not cool with, that's how life works.  But at the same time if I stopped talking, doing, supporting anyone or anything that had one thing I felt was wrong I would be eating twigs and sitting alone doing nothing.  I have a level of acceptance with people and things.   That's my business and my choice.  Just as it's your choice to do what you like.  If this world got past the childish aggressive attacking if others who like things they personally dont, and accept a lot more than they allow themselves to.  This world would be better.

Sometimes the old way works fine

I was thinking about "old vs new" school in BJJ.  I train under one of the "old school" guys (who in his life trained with and under both the Gracie and Machado families-like going to Yale and Harvard) and he is set in his ways, but he has techniques that are rock solid and work.  He has won numerous tournaments with a basic, but technically sharp, style. 

Many champions in all sports succeed by the same way-basics that are perfect but some flair or personal touch. I read and see videos now of a lot of the "new school" BJJ fighters who claim to have some "innovative" technique.  I call bullshit on that because I know some guy in the deepest part of the Amazon probably came up with the same technique surviving an Anaconda attack, he just didn't have marketing like todays's fighters.  Some of the "new and innovative" BJJ looks like a bad choeographed Lucha libre fight, where one guy cartwheels over and the other pops and locks like a breakdancer and neither gain anything.  When someone comes to class with one of these moves they saw on YouTube.  It's great comedy to see them try it, and an old school guy stuffs it, smashes the guy and teaches him the move, though legit, isn't totally applicable.

 Another example of old school is my razor. I switched to a safety razor. I wanted to see if it's better than the multi blade razors.  After assuring my wife I won't look like shark bait and/or pass out from bleeding, I tried it and loved it.  I do have a couple thoughts on it:

-Use a lot of shave cream/gel.  I'm not a "soap in a cup with a brush" guy, that's a bit much.  But a good amount of cream or gell works fine.

-getting the angle is a learning process but will come natural in short time (hold the razor like a pen works) .

  -No flex in the head, which means you may need to go over parts that are bumps in skin or dents in skin.

 -Safety razors last forever, but need to be cleaned off by hand a couple times as you shave (open the head and wipe the edges with paper and rinse).

-Nice and easy, no pressure is the safest way to use it.   

Just two examples of how, with technology and marketing, people forget the old ways work just as, if not better than the new ways.  Granted, sometimes those who hold onto old ways end up in groups with peers and they all sound like pretentious cunts, much like most of the hipster/snowflake population today in parts of Brooklyn that "wasn't" mob-ran (if there was ever a Mob obviously...)

How I'm living and the lesson for everyone reading this

For years, I've had to worry about others rather than what's best for me.  I thought it was the right thing to do, but in the end others progressed and I wasted time and energy for nothing.  

I have decided and started to do something about it. I've been doing what's best for me, and/or me and wife.  I've stopped doing the "well, what will so-and-so feel about it?". I'm not saying I'm selfish, but I need to focus on and improve me.  For far too long I've neglected myself, and it's cost me.  Now, it's different.  

 I'm going to do what's best for me, and I know not everyone will be cool with it.  Those people have two "gets" to act on: get over it and move on, or get fucked and go away.  Maybe after time you'll get over it and move on and we will be cool.  But for the time being get fucked and stay that way until you come to your senses.  I don't have time to micromanage my decisions for people and weigh how it affects others. I don't have the energy, time or patience.  I'm not a young person and need to make moves for myself and family now, and not have the anchors of doubt and parasites on me.

 So the lesson is: do you, and those who don't agree or approve can get over their problems and move on with you, or get fucked and get their shitty attitude-which they'll use to sabotage you-out of your way.

I haven't been writing here, but I am writing

Think I forgot this blog? I have been neglectful, and I do apologize to the three who read this. I have been writing but for myself. It's something simple, and others probably have done it you eons, but I found out about it and it actually works.

 Ever have thoughts and ideas in your head and they sit there, taking your time and energy from you?  They affect how you act and be if they sit there.  What I do everyday is set up a note on my phone each day and write what's on my mind.  I start in the morning, and during the day if I am dwelling on a thought, I throw it on my note to clear my head.  Typing it out lets me see it, and it gets it out. I do that with ideas or things I want to do, and at night I set a reminder to bring it up on my phone and I'll read it.  It works. I feel more productive and I feel less stressed.

Try it and see how you feel after it.  A mental douche (other shit depending how you look at it) is needed and it works.  Could I put it on here rather than a note to myself? Maybe, but some of it is even more babbling and rambling as what I usually put on here.  It probably not be entertaining.

Pete on Loyalty

I am loyal to the following things: myself, my wife, most family, and that's pretty much it.  Anything else is a case by case basis.  

 If someone or something gives me what I expect from my investment of time, money, or thought, I'm on their side.  If they do not give me that, I will look at other options.  Some say that's a shitty way to handle things, that I may come off as a "front-runner", or just an ass.  I don't think so.  I think I'm allowing myself to live how humans are built.  

 It's a business, personal, or financial decision.  You yourselves do it, so don't come at me saying I'm wrong.  For example: how many jobs have you had? How many changes in companies were for financial gain or a better work/life balance? Where is your loyalty to the first company that hired you? 

I apply things like this to many aspects of my life.  Sports teams, brands of items I like to use, before my wife I would to women I dated.  Even now I am doing this to people I know.  I've stopped talking to many people over the past several years because they don't fit into my life or my mindset, so why should I have loyalty to them or their time.

 Am I impulsive? Maybe in a way, but I also am keeping my life and mind fresh through change.

Making Changes

     It’s hard to change.  You get into your grooves and set ways, and the idea of changing fills you with fear or self-doubt.  But at the same time, you have to change in life.  If not only for the lessons you’ll learn, but the stimulation to combat boredom.

     I’m working on some changes in my life.  One is moving from Apple products.  Apple products are fine, when they work and not buggy like when I am typing ot copying and pasting things. Or some tasks just won’t work until I restart the app or even the phone.  More  and more though, the products are getting locked down in the name of security, but it is limiting what the user can do.  For example, I tried downloading some programs to use on my laptop, but I was not allowed to even though the software is from reputable companies.  I didn’t even get the option to say “allow third party apps be installed”, which means anything outside Apple’s App Store.  I also want the option to set another program to be the default web browser, or mail client.  Apple does not allow that on their iPhone, which gets annoying considering I use non Apple apps the majority of the time.

      I already built a new PC, which means I gutted my old one and put new components in it.  Windows has gotten better, and seems to do all I want (like letting me set Chrome as my default web browser, letting my download apps and programs I want to use, without wanting to stop me, etc). Eventually I want to get an Android-based phone again, maybe a Samsung one. 

      Other changes have been my attitude.  I’m not letting my job now dictate my life.  I want to travel more, go do things.  I will take a hit in the wallet, but the enjoyment of spending time with my family/friends is more important.  Speaking of jobs, I also changed how I tackle the job search.  I’m emailing my resume and info directly to managers who post jobs.  It’s easy to find them on LinkedIn.  I usually send a quick email saying I saw their posting and wanted to send you my resume directly.  So far I’ve gotten responses, and even and interview.  The interview didn’t go well (no callback) but the experience gave me confidence in what I am doing.

Change is good, change is scary, change can be sexy, but change is needed to grow and evolve.