Parental struggles

The past two weeks, but it's been decades really, have been a struggle for me and my mom.  It's not a "I hate my mommy"-type, but in a deep way I do feel a little of it.  It's a struggle with her health.  

My mom recently fell and hurt herself really bad.  She suffered injuries that needed surgery.  She's still in the hospital getting better.  At first it looked straightforward: get her leg and arm fixed, go get rehab, and she'd be ok.  But something else came up: she needed surgery to repair blocked blood flow in her other leg.  This led to what first seemed like a stubbed toe to a bad infection, which will lead to her losing a toe.  She had the bypass procedure to fix the blood flow, and the other part is soon.  

All through this, I've had a ton of thoughts going through my head.  First obviously is my mom and her health, and she getting better.  Then came up in my head is money.  How much will insurance cover and what will have to be paid out by us.  I'm not too worried about that, but I make no money to help pay out anything if needed, and that bothers and worries me.  

Again, my faith came up.  I thought how twisted is God.  He had my mom break bones to end up in the hospital to find out this serious matter with her leg.  This goes to all the other times she's been put in bad situations to have a serious issue dealt with.  God works in mysterious ways indeed, though I question his doing.  It also makes me angry.  Why hurt her to get her better, with cancer and now this?  Is this all something to bring us back to the flock? Is this something to punish me or make me see something in not, or punish her for something?  You are told not to question God's work, but I am. 

Theological questions aside, I also see what's true to me now: when your parents get older, the roles of parent and child switch.  The child takes care of the parent as the parent took care of the child.  I've felt this for some time, but this time brings it more to light.  

Back to my anger:  I feel some to my mom.  She doesn't get help until it's critical.  She's only got her diabetes and blood pressure under control because she almost died from them.  She only found out about her cancer due to, again, she almost died from it.  She didn't get this leg thing treated until it was found out due to another thing happened.  She said she had a stubbed toe that wasn't healing and part of it was from this problem.  I don't believe her when she says she didn't feel anything bad with her leg before all this.  

She has a fear of doctors, and she lets it almost kill her, and my sister and I have had to pretty much save her life several times.  Every time this had to happen, I fear luck will run out and I would not have her around anymore.  And for all that I feel some anger to her.  There have been talks to her about it, and it did lead her to seeing a doctor,  but it gets to be same old, same old.  It pisses me off.  

I can't control her.  I can't just drag her to help, though I almost have had to literally.  I can't accept the lack of control.  I also feel bad feeling these things.  A child shouldn't have anger in their hearts for their parents, but I do have some.

But this shouldn't be about me, it should be about getting her better.  I will say one thing about me: it seems God doesn't want me to move forward.  Any time I start to make a move forward-job searching, moving forward with my girlfriend, something to better my life-God chooses to strike down my mom with something to bring things to a halt.  Maybe God wants me to stay as a shitty security guard, and live a life I feel is so beneath me.  

Again, this isn't about me, but about her.  At the end of all this, I want and need her better for me and my sister.  That's the most important thing.

What it's like being a security guard.

Those gut I'd vent and get out something that's been on my head for a while.

When you see the security guard in a store or a building, you probably don't think much of him.  You probably think he's some idiot and only there to give you a hard time.  Sometimes this is true, but sometimes there's a lot more going on with them.

I am a security guard at this moment.  I am not proud to say I am but the reality is that I am because I was desperate for a job and this opportunity is the only one that was available at the time.  I didn't have the luxury of trying to negotiate the best deal for myself.  Like many who are in this line of work, it's a take it or leave it situation.  I'm going to tell you a little about some of the people doing this work, that quite frankly are ashamed to have this job.

Most security falls into two categories: retail and corporate.  As much as there is differences to the job, there is some similarities.  Despite whatever your training says or what your bosses tell you to try to feel important, a security guard is a body there to be a player in the theater of security, a guard has no real "powers" beyond a citizen, and even those powers are limited further by the company you work for or the client, thanks to the wonderful litigious, sue happy society we live in.  Whatever you as a guard should be able to do, you are handcuffed and knocked down to being just a fulfillment of an insurance policy requirement.  

So for whatever you are assigned, you do nothing, and paid as much.  For all the hype of security and its importance, you may get slightly above minimum wage.  That's how much security is truly valued.  

A lot of security guards are people who are much more qualified to do a better line of work (college, even masters, degree earners who are stuck with this job due to the economy), and usually feel like the gifted student in a remedial class.  All through their shift thoughts are usually in their minds like "what the Hell am I doing here?" "Is this really the best I can do for a job?" "How am I making that payment with this salary? Do I pay it and starve until the next payday?" And other thoughts.  Granted you have the complete garbage who have this job because they have absolutely no skills to get into school for better options, and they accept it and don't care.  But most of the guards are just those who lost the jobs musical chairs.  

I mentioned the pay, but the funny thing is what you are expected to spend it on for this job-and get ZERO reimbursement for.  A lot of corporate and retail security jobs require you to wear a full suit, shirt, tie, and shoes.  You may have one already, but day in and day out you need to clean it at some point, so naturally you should get another suit as back up.  Ok, but with what money?  People doing this work are broke 5 mins after getting their pay because they have bills or expenses that are necessary to pay.  On top of this, you are usually required to keep your outfit in tip top condition.   Same goes to any uniform you may be issued.  If you want to get a new one, some places require you to let them inspect your current one to see if giving you a new one is warranted.  On top of your uniform, no matter what it is, you still need to put for your lunch and travel.  Again, not reimbursed by the employer, which is normal but puts a big dent in whatever pay.

So, during a shift where you are doing nothing, you'd think you would have time to think.  You do, but you run out of things to think about.  Then at the end of your shift, you are physically and mentally fried.  So whatever after-work activity you are doing is always a blur.  If you are "asked" to work later (usually required since if you don't you will be removed from that assignment), even more fatigue happens.  Sometimes you have to stay because the guard relieving you of your post decides to either not show up or shows up late for no reason.  You can't leave, and usually your supervisor won't help out, saying his hands are tied.  So whatever you want to do with your free time depends on the whims of the client.  Calling out is frowned upon, and could lead to you getting taken off an assignment.  

You aren't fired usually.  What happens is you aren't assigned anywhere and not paid.  This is done so the guard can't file for and get unemployment.  The filing is always contested and shown the guard wasn't terminated.  

"Why not get another job?" You ask.  Many are trying, but to do so, you almost have to quit the current job due to the scheduling that I feel is set up to keep people from looking and interviewing for work.  You'd have to take a day off, and maybe lose out on money (if you use up your sick days), and also hope your suit is presentable for any interview.  Also, when a guard is done with work, again most of the time they are mentally fried and don't want to deal with anything.  

That's the scariest part: sometimes you feel like you're in quicksand, and the harder you try to get out the deeper you get.  One other scary thing is once in a blue moon complacency set in, where you think it's not that bad.  I get rid of that right away.  Complacency is loser talk, and anyone who is happy or content in a job like this, with all the BS and the low Ptah truly is a loser.  I am not a loser.  I DONT WANT THIS FOR MY LIFE.  

Ok I'm done ranting.

Selfish day.

Wednesday I did something for the first time I have done in almost two years-took a day off for myself.  When I took a day off before, it's usually due to someone or something other than myself.  Usually is a medial reason or something I need to take care of for someone else.  I chose this time to just do something myself.  

Yesterday actually started the same time I would start if I was going to work.  I will say that when one doesn't have an obligation to take care of, starting the day is so much better.  Between 6-9 am, I was super productive.  Had breakfast, did my job search thing, and by 10 I got everything I planned on doing done.  That was a great feeling.  

After that I left the house and traveled around the area.  I decided to go to Jersey City to the mall there, just because.  After that went back into midtown and walked around looking at some spots I like to go to. Finally went home, watched soccer and played video games.  It was an awesome feeling.

After all this I concluded a couple things:

-My productivity goes hand in hand with my impatience.  I like to get work done as soon as possible, and the morning is the best time for it. Get it done when less people are around, and it gets done fast.

-Job sites are just a hive of spammers.  The amount of BS emails and calls for sales job I haven't approached as skyrocketed.

-The entire day felt like a Saturday.  I got what I wanted done in my time, didn't feel rushed, and didn't have my job somehow hovering above me.  I miss Saturdays, and my goal is to get a "regular" job where I have Saturdays again.

-My dissatisfaction with my job is more about how I am better than it, and my frustration with where I am has grown a lot.  I'm not bitching about the job, just more it was good for a bit, but it's not something I want to do anymore.  I don't want my job to be controlling where I almost have to beg to get time off.  I should be able to do my job without any interference from or because others not doing their job.  Lack of control of some of my life that way is maddening to me.

Can't sleep....gotta write

Been a bit hasn't it? 

ill start off with I should take a day off from work and have a "wacky day".  A day where I unwind.  For a while now I've been a bit too uptight, with the stresses on me.  I should take a day and just "shut off" the brain and just go do something stupid.   

Speaking of stress,  I'll repeat this: don't wish cancer on anyone, it's a shitty thing to watch someone battle, let alone have.  I've had to experience watching on the sidelines and it sometimes takes a lot out of me.  But a positive thing of it is it shows me how tough a person can be, and it's a toughness we should aspire to be.

What sucks about some situations I am in is the lack a control I have in them.  As someone who has been labeled a control freak, it's tough.  I need to work on focusing my time and energy on thing I am in control of and not sweat what I can't.  Believe me, that's one of the hardest things to say to myself: I'm not in control or can control everything in my life.

A couple weeks ao, my cousins put my late Aunt and Uncle's house up for sale.  It was sad to hear about, since I have a lot of memories in that place (I'm sure not as sad as my cousins having to do it),  I saw an online listing of it complete with pictures of the house, and a flood of good memories came back seeing each room in pictures.  Funny part is most of the house I either never saw, or haven't seen in almost 30 years.  It was still a nice trip down memory lane.  

My goal of having a new job comes up at the end of June.  It looks like a tough goal to reach, mostly due to me and mental blocks I'm feeling, but it's something I'm working to achieve.  I'm going to try a more proactive approach and take more advantage of LinkedIn.  Hopefully the job hunting mojo starts to build and I'll have a job that's more fitting of me, and one where I am not working for crumbs or feel so out of place. 

The mind of a person is infinitely stronger than the body.  I hope I can get my mind to feel and harness its power.  

Help and helping

Tonight wasn't a good time.  Made a call and thought I'd get the help I wanted and feel I've earned, if the talk that I was hearing was true.  Talk is cheap, and I foolishly forgot same talk wasn't backed up when someone, who said such talk, tried to set me up to fail due to lack of support in an issue.  Well, this person not only didn't help and potentially derailed plans, he tried to make me feel bad for his situation.  I've been amped up about it since and have been in the red all night.   

Help is something I don't take to.  Not sure if I mentioned it, but I got a lot of help as a kid, either out of love or pity for my afflictions.  At the stage I was and am at, I have a hard time telling what's what.  When I was a kid, any accomplishment I did always had a level of hollowness or cheapness because I got some help.  Maybe the help did make it happen, maybe it was just a minor thing, but a lot of the times the happiness I felt went to feelings of doubt and questioning did I REALLY "make it".   

This feeling is sometimes why I come off how I do.  I feel I need to do everything myself, and any help would lessen what I accomplish.  I see now some situations where I was on the other side and tried to help and didn't have it accepted and it pissed me off.  I should have "gotten it" how people feel when I don't accept their help.  Today I'm a little better at accepting some help, but my controlling nature of me still clashes with it.  

Whenever I was out of work, I accepted no help.  I wanted to find MY job, and not feel like I "owe" someone or have someone hold the fact they got me the job over me. 

I like BJJ a lot because, although others help, in a rolling session or tournament fight, it's just me and I have to make things happen for me to succeed.  Working to learn more and earn knowledge and higher rankings are all on me to do.  Get out what you put in type of stuff.  It's sort of what mentality I have in a lot of things.

irony: I like helping others!  I like making others better at something I know about.  It helps all in the end.  I feel the more experienced have an obligation to help the less experienced.  It's so stupid how I don't accept help of the more experienced in my life, but also a hard habit to break for me. 

To those who try to help and I don't take your advice: I'm sorry.  I try to change, and it's a cycle I have a hard time to break.

Ha, I need help accepting other's help!!!  But I'll help others.....

My Best Buy experience

Best Buy deserves whatever horrible death its trying to fend off. 

The last time I shopped there, this past Monday, has made me finally swear off their dumpster fire of a store.  I went to the one on Queens Blvd. and like the others I've been to around NYC, it's a disorganized train wreck.  Their attempt to have little "company kiosk" stores haven't helped.  I only went in there because I had a gift card from Best Buy.  I was looking for one thing, a GoPro LCD screen, and after walking around the horribly laid out store, found where GoPros are "displayed".  It's nothing more than one video on a screen of the display, and no products out.  It's actually in a locked cabinet but no notice of needing to find an employee to help.  Good work there.  

A note wouldn't help because Best Buy employees are nowhere.  There are many of employees manning the mini stores of various brands, and they won't help with any other products (I think they are actually employed by the company they are representing-but seems like a prison sentence for those poor guys), but almost no Best Buy people.  After being ignored after asking one woman I found, I got fed up and left.  

To be fair, their online store was fine, got what I wanted and ordered with gift card easily.   

This is a trend with most large stores.  They almost gave up, and are just there to be showrooms for Amazon.  They deserve their fate.  

As much as I try to support local and buy in actual stores, places like Best Buy don't deserve my in store money. 

La Guerra Fria

This week was the anniversary of the trip I took with the North Jersey Brigade to Columbus Ohio for the US-Mexico Wold Cup Qualifier.  I remember this was I  believe one of my last trips I took to see a soccer game outside the NYC area.  This was close to where I stopped going to games regularly, due to burnout and some issues I had with come individuals.  The trip itself was long, and I remember I stayed sober for the most part, but everyone else wasn't.  That cause some friction and I got some heat from those in the bus.  My thing was; you're on a bus for hours, getting stupid and dangerously drunk doesn't sound like a smart thing to do in close quarters.  So things were said, people got in between others, but nothing major happened.

The game itself was interesting.  Columbus Ohio was chosen for this game due to the cold weather, and the fact that more US fans would be there than Mexicans (which wasn't totally true this game, there was a good number of Mexican fans).  These factors was to give the US an home field advantage, and an answer to what Mexico does: play in Mexico City, with it's heat, smog, and elevation.  Tit for tat stuff.

That night was a night for the good guys.  The US won 2-0 and started their last round of World Cup Qualifiers on a positive note.  The stadium used, which is the first soccer-specific stadium built in the US, was small but intimate.  It's a bit obsolete by today's standards, but I like the place.  It's simple, and when full it's an awesome atmosphere.  I remember getting to the stadium, and despite the whole thing about the drunks on the bus, it was a good time.  Lots of the US supporter groups were there.  One thing that I remember is as the night went on, the winds, rain, and dampness rose while the temperature dropped.  After the game, I was so cold and wet, I was really worried for myself.  It was an intense feeling.  The bus got to the hotel, I got my room key, and instead of partying I went to my room to try to get warm.  It sucked.  The next morning, we got on the bus and headed home.  More sober and upbeat trip home.  

Seeing the video of the highlights of the game, it brought all the memories back.  It made me sort of miss the soccer scene, but I remembered why I "got out".  Burnout and my personal issues with some came to a head and I stopped going, but I still sign up as a member of at leas one of the supporter clubs each year.  I was thinking what is stopping me from going back, though I did go a couple times but felt as an outsider, and I figured out a couple things:

Saturdays off:  I work Saturdays, so I need to get a job where I am not 

Resolve my personal issues: this is tough, I did burned bridges with some, but I should try to make amends.  I have tried, but they chose not to reciprocate (sort of don't blame them, but I feel somewhat hypocritical that they always claimed to be "the better men" and wouldn't at least communicate back) 

SO who knows what's going to happen.  OK enough reminiscing 

New Japan Pro Wrestling

Like many, I ordered New Japan Pro Wrestling's "Wrestle Kingdom" PPV, which was the first time it was shown in the US and had English broadcasters calling it.  I was impressed and amazed at the style and presentation.  I've always wanted to watch more Japanese wrestling because of how much of a "real" feeling it had.  It's still pre-determined outcomes and moves, but it has a MMA "big fight feel.  The philosophy of Japanese wrestling is that stories are told in the ring during matches.  They don't have elaborate stories behind their feuds.  Usually it's "I think I'm better than you, and I'll prove it by beating you", or "I want the title you hold."  Simple stuff, but effective.  Much more than the Soap Opera-esque style of the WWE or TNA Wrestilng.   The matches themselves have an old school feel with the pacing and build up to the climax.  All well done.  

After the PPV, I explored more ways to watch NJPW.  They have a streaming service like the WWE Network, where they stream new events live, but also have an archive of their past events.  After a little research, I signed up easily for their service (Google chrome with translate helped a lot).  I've been catching up on a lot of the recent events, and have looked at some past matches with some of the greats.  NJPW is set up where there are tournaments and events during the year, with breaks in between each, to set up their stories.  One of the biggest event is their several day tournament called the G1 Climax.  It' takes their best stars, have them compete in two groups and the group winners meet to determine who gets the next shot at the champ, assuming the champ didn't win.  There's a tag team equivalent to this event as well.  I am looking forward to catching up on last year's events.  

BTW, the cost of the service is 999 yen a month, which is about $8.50 US.  Awesome deal.  

Look up the following which I've seen so far and I recommend on You tube (outside of NJPW in general):

Tanahashi vs. Okada

Shinske Nakamura and his matches

Bullet Club (group of Americans who are paroding the NWO/DX factions but are really popular and enjoyable).

One big lesson learned

For the past several months, I've been helping my mom out on Mondays taking her to treatments for her cancer issues.  Recently the treatments have been increased with radiation, and now weekly visits to get chemo in some form or another.  Seeing what she is going through there are a couple things I've realized:

1. Fuck cancer

2. My mom is amazingly strong, much so more than me

3. Seeing what the treatment firsthand, which ironicly almost hurts as much as it helps, one shouldn't wish cancer on anyone

I sit there next to her after getting errands done, and I look at what the treatments do to her, and the other patients in the treatment room, and it hurts seeing what one goes through to beat cancer.  Thank god the nurses and assistants, who are angels, there try to comfort these people in their time of need.  It's really tough to witness and one feels helpless.

It angers me at the same time thinking how people will take advantage of people in this situation.  From stealing money from these people, or using these people's situation as a cover for their dirty deeds, there are true scum out there.  It angers me that this world has these types of people.  In the end I guess these people will get theirs in the end, but I hate the fact scum like this even exist.  

I've learned never to wish cancer on anyone anymore.  It's a sentence on someone and their families that is really a lot to have on someone, and to wish it on someone would be not cool.  Especially in life, what you say or do to others will happen to you, so you better be ready to be able to handle it. Can you handle cancer if you wish it one someone?

Late night thoughts

I apologize if this seems rambling, but this is going to be more of a stream of consciences.  It's an excuse for me to try to figure out what is next.  By what's next is what's my next career move.  It's complicated, at least to me, to figure out.

Right  now, I work in what would be considered a  "shit job."  It's not so much a bad job, but to be honest it's a job that I am way too qualified for.  Despite this job is "beneath my level", I still do my damn best at it.  I was taught that no matter how bad or dumb of a job is, do the best work you can.  So I go to work everyday, even get to work early, and just do what I do to the fullest.  The work I put in and have invested as far as suits and accessories to look the part is more than the payoff.  The money I make at this job has me in a bind, but it's money I need.  I can say that I never have taken a day off "just because".  It was always for something serious.  I don't take days off because first I don't believe in it really, but also simply if I don't work, I don't get paid.  Losing 20% of your pay makes you think if taking a day off for something is worth the loss.  Granted, this means one would have to work despite not being your best, but in the end it's all about the money for me.

Its about the money because I don't get satisfaction out of the job.  I come home and need at least an hour to get out of the mood the job puts me in.  What happens is that's an hour I lose from my personal life, and any enjoyment I have at home or with my girlfriend.  By the time I'm "fine", it's time to get ready for bed.  My free time is empty and not productive.  The problem is that it becomes a cycle, and for months I'm trying not to fall into it. My biggest worry is not falling into a cycle is getting comfortable in it.  That's one of my biggest fears. 

So naturally my next move is to look for new work.  Sounds simple, but it isn't.  First is figuring out what I want to do.  To be honest, his is a mental block to me and one of conflicting thoughts.  I would like a regular Monday to Friday schedule, but my mom has been going through some stuff where I am needed on the Mondays I have off. I take her to her appointments and then due to errands.  If I am not there for that, it leads to others who already shoulder enough responsibility to carry more.  That's something I'm not comfortable doing.  I need to do my part.  

One other her big thing is my resume and cover letters.  I think I have a writers block where nothing I write is worth a damn.  I have written tons of resumes and cover letters, but there is always something that isn't good enough.  At this point I look at my work history and I feel like I'm trying to make chicken salad out of chicken shit.  At some point I should just have a "fuck it, send it" attitude,  but my pride in my work comes in and it has to be as perfect I can do it.  

I would like a job where I'm not standing the whole time.  I would like my Saturday's back.  But seeing what get changed if I go for it makes me hesitant.  Again, I'm petrified of the prospect of me getting comfortable in this "groove", so it should motivate me to look elsewhere, but is it worth it to let others down that I can't live up to my end of the deal to help out my mom.

as I said before, the job now sucks, but better than many other ones I could be doing.  The people I work for and with are cool, but to be honest I'm better than them and the job.  The frustration of wher I am and wher I should be is building, especially seeing that some who are clearly less qualified as me or less ambitious angers me more.   

Who knows what I should do, I'm stumped

Xbox, THe Holidays, Reflections

First, I hope all had a happy holiday season.  Overall mine was a positive one.  Most of it was good, but there were times that were absolute buzzkills.  There was one part of Christmas that just really had me in a mood, which unfortunately stayed with me for the rest of the day.  What had my mood how it became was just being in a situation that was fun and nice and one thing arriving into the situation that changed it into a situation where you felt the stress and tension in the room.  It was one of those situations that you should get out of as soon as possible, and as much as I tried to get out, I couldn't until I started to feel the negativity.  That led to me realizing how much BS and hypocrisy there was right in front of me, and just set a tone for the rest of the day.  New Years at least was nicer,  I'm not one big on celebrating the New Year holiday, but what I did was enjoyable. 

I traded in my Sony PS$ for a Microsoft Xbox One.  Nothing more that my friends all have that now, and if I wanted to play online with them it would be on that.  Got a good trade in deal for the PS4, so out of pocket wasn't that much.  Anyone what to hit me up on the Xbox, gamertag is PSUDude66

Now the Holidays are done and things are getting back to a somewhat normal deal, I am going to refocus on looking for a better job, and even ask about a raise at my current one.  I say somewhat normal because I still have some family issues to deal with and work on (fuck cancer, btw), and as normal as it's been given the situation, it's changing as well.  This situation is a moving target, and it is frustrating, I have to be honest, but I have to also try not to show how frustrating it is.  That wouldn't be a good, positive thing that is needed at this time. 

Mental dump 12/12

I've had a busy time since I posted.  Between working and family issues, I just haven't had the energy or time really to do anything here.  It sucks since I've had many ideas for topics to write about.  I'll try to book some down here just to write them down and then not have them bounce in my head (though I will say it gives me something to use when my job is slow and it keeps my mind active).  

First is how sad the politics have gotten so "gang" mentality.  I guess it's always been like that, but in the past 20 years it's gotten out of hand.  It used to be if you were a Republican or Democrat, you believed a certain core beliefs.  But some others you had that were aligned with "the other side".  It's a shame that it's no longer there, since those who crossed the line in some aspects were vital in getting both parties to work together.  Now it's you are red or blue, there is no compromise.  Sometimes it's blindly following the ethos of your "gang".  This clear line is what's killing the country.  We need more "middle men" to get consensus on things. 

The other big thing on my mind is just thinking through my employment situation and what needs to change, but what other parts of my life have to adapt if I make a career change.  One night I'll go through the thought process here.

Some quick hits: 

-Fuck Diabetes

-Women heart attacks and how to spot one is harder than a man having one.  Everyone should learn the difference.

-Kids movies are brutal on me.  Between the fucked up dark premises they are based on or start off with are tough, but the endings hit me hard.  I cried at the end of "Toy Story 3" the other night.

-With the amount of work I do and the physical nature of it, I haven't gotten to do things like clean or get better organized.

Mental dump 11/24

-Despite the stories about Uber, I will continue to use it.  I haven't had a bad experience using their service, and I don't have to deal with lazy, somewhat racist drivers who refuse to take me to certain neighborhoods in NYC, or even the outer boroughs.  Usually taxi and some car service drivers won't leave Manhattan.  I haven't had an issue with Uber as far as this goes, and the cars used are MUCH cleaner and nicer.  I used it Saturday night to go from Midtown Manhattan to Downtown Brooklyn, with no problems or issues.  I also used it with my girlfriend to get to her place after the event we went to and again, no issues.  Take from all the stories you want, but I find Uber a better option in NYC over yellow taxis or other car service.

 -Last week did something I haven't had in a while: lit a fire under me.  I haven't had any "fight" in me for a while and just felt static.  Then I heard about how a business is trying to screw me and some others over while lying to another person.  After hearing that, I did what I can to prove the lies wrong and call this guy out on his bs.  I'm going to try to keep this fire in me and use it in other parts of life.  

Holidays

I really don't like this season.  As happy as it should be it reminds me of the end.  It's the end of the year, but this part of the year it has been the end of a lot of relationships I've had.  In the months of November and December over the years, I lost my father, two uncles, an Aunt and a cousin when I was young.  I honestly may have lost others but I honestly don't remember.  Death sometimes can be a blur.  It has changed how I look at the holidays.  The materialistic bullshit part annoys me to no end.  It's already started and it's barely past Halloween.  What happened to the gradual move through the holidays?  Now stores, in their insane greed, piss on the holidays in the name of cheap publicity like when a they force their workers to choose their job or family, and pathetic profits.  As nice as some stores choose not to partake in the Black Friday insanity, it's still a shitty cheap ploy for publicity. This year, like last year I am around the retail industry and I'll get to see firsthand how fucked up the quest is for the almighty dollar.  Seeing what the schedule looks like means more money for me via overtime, but it's more time at a job where I'd rather than spending time with my personal time.  It sucks and even the payoff is debatable if it's worth the time.

Given the past months, it's made me think the next few holidays are going to be special given the fragility of many of my family members.  I am going to enjoy them and make them the best years for them, but I can't shake the idea of thinking what happens when they aren't here.  I shouldn't think like this but I'm human and this is something to keep in mind.  Trying to stay positive is a challenge.  

College football playoff

I like how it's set up.  The commission seems really well selected and so far the rankings are very fair and accurate of where each major schools should be ranked.  I always like college football despite half the teams in Division 1 end up in a bowl (gives the "everyone gets rewarded" mentality), ESPN on the SEC's jock like they are for the ACC in basketball, and Notre Dame In general.  I'm looking forward to see how it all works out.  

Side note: Penn State looks mediocre now, but when they get all their scholarships back and if their recruit class pans out, they will be back at the top.

One more PSU note.  I hope they sue the NCAA for all its worth after the disgusting and malicious actions they took.  Look at the facts of their "investigation" and how grumpy their work is, and you'll see how unfair PSU was treated.

Bjj friday

In Fridays in BJJ is an Open mat, where you can go roll or work on techniques (though mostly rolling).   This past Friday made me realize the weight loss I experienced has helped.  I was a little quicker and moving better.  I am down to about 220 lbs, which makes me really happy since that puts me in a lower weight class, especially not one where I am outweighed 30 pounds.  To give perspective I was almost 255 when I started BJJ years ago, so slowly I got down in weight.  All and all I am happy about this revelation.  

Another big realization was: when passing someone playing open guard, stand up and do it on your feet.  Makes life easier than from the knees!!! 

What to write about on 11/6?

What to write about?  I am trying to write more daily entries again, to try to improve my writing skills.  I try to, but a lot of times I’m too tired to write.  My job has me on my feet all day, while making me analyze and follow everything around me.  It’s an exhausting job.  It sucks when I would love to go to BJJ class at night to see a lot of my friends I haven’t trained with in a while, but my legs feel like lead, my mind is mush, and I’m just in a bad mood mentally.  I go in the mornings when I can, sometimes I oversleep and miss training.  I have to try to keep my alarm clock/phone away from my bed to make me get up to shut it off.  That would lessen my chance of falling back asleep. 

 Wise, it’s there and looks like more is coming soon with the holiday season coming.  I’m lost likely going to work 6-7 days a week with several hours extra each day near Christmas.  , which I’m not fond of.  But at the same time, I could use the money.  I’m stuck in a rock and a hard place, and I want to get out of all of it.  I alluded to it in a previous entry.  I’m better than this, and I want a job to show that.  I’m trying to not let my biggest fear set in: accepting this mediocre position and live as a mediocre person.  I’m not mediocre, I’m better than that.

I bought an Office 365 subscription recently, and am actually writing this entry on it.  I wanted it because Google Docs and any alternative to Office suck quite frankly.  I don’t like them that much.  I also wanted to refresh my Office suite skills.  I saw a subscription card for Office 365 on Amazon for $70 and decided to get it.  So far it’s a nice suite of the familiar programs I remember using.  There are other features I haven’t touched yet but would like to soon.

Work Dump

I wear a suit at my job, but don't make suit wearing money.

I am told in training how much value I have, but in reality my role is to just be a fulfillment of an insurance policy clause. 

The client I work for give me limits of my job, but I am to blame when those handcuffs stop me from doing my job. 

The clients' employees are nice, but remind me often my place.

My life seems to be revolving around my shift, sometimes encroaching on my private life. 

My peers don't care for the job, but will report me just to try to get my spot.

The employees have an infatuation with the company they work for, and expect me to care as much

The only time I have to feel like more than garbage is the short half hour I have for lunch, but that is very early in my shift.   

I get to work early, most employees don't.  I guess I care about my work more than they care about theirs. 

I can't take a day off without taking a hit to my paycheck, it makes me have to prioritize what's important. 

I can't do the right thing for those I love without feeling I may have a negative impact to my position. 

I look for a better job, but the hours free I have I use more to cope with this BS job.

When I get my paycheck, I don't feel pride, but feel it's not going to last past the next day.   

The more I am in this job, the more I fear I'm stuck.

I often feel I'm the smartest kid in the class, but the advanced class doesn't want me.

I have no leverage.

I am better than this job.

I should be making more than I do.

Wrestling history

I subscribe to the WWE Network.  I am a wrestling fan.  I love it not only for all the new pay per views and original stuff the have in it, but the past events from all the past promotions.  Seeing some of the old WCW, ECW, and other promotions makes me appreciate the sport and see the evolution (or devolution) to what is wrestling today.  It also gives insight to memories I have and the thing I read or heard about in the past.  There are also shows pointing out and talking about these events and characters in wrestling, often by those who knew and worked at the time.  One thing all this has shown is that wrestling back then was a true fraternity one didn't just go to a school and learn how it works.  Guys had to earn the respect and even a chance to be a part of it.  Today is so different and I think how to get in today is such a bad way.  Many new guys aren't tested by older guys to see who has the heart and desire to make it a living. Also there isn't a "respect the sport" attitude the old guys drilled into a new wrestler.  

I encourage anyone who was a fan to look at the WWE network, read any former wrestlers books, or listen to the podcasts done by those who used to be in wrestling to learn and appreciate what pro wrestling was and is today.

The NFL and WWE have the same problem

I am watching NFL football this season, and I have come to realize there are two major problems with it.  First is the penalties being called that kill and momentum in games.  The second I came to realize watching wrestling and listening to a couple wrestling podcasts.

Jim Ross, the famous wrestling announcer, said one day on his podcast that what hurts wrestling today, despite its still popular, is the lack of a great "heel" or bad guy.  The heel is the guy you as a fan hate and will pay to get beat eventually by the good guy.  That's what wrestling was always been: the bad guy did what he had to in order to dominate over everyone until he was eventually vanquished in the end.  Football doesn't have a "heel" team anymore, and that is hurting football.

I remember when the Cowboys or the 49ers were THE teams, they dominated in the NFL and everyone hated them when they were on top.  You paid to see your team try to topple them.  You hated them when they beat your team or won the title.  With the current setup of the NFL you don't get that anymore. Parity and free agency makes it had to build a team that will be together and dominate for almost a decade.  One can say the Patriots were that, but look how much turnover on their roster happened and each championship was with almost completely different teams. I miss the days when the bad team would rise up and beat a superteam, I miss seeing the superteam wax the floor with a bad team.  

Now, one may say "both WWE and NFL are still popular and successful entities, so you are wrong."  Am I? Both have seen declines in some form or another, and a rise in critics.  Also both are marketing machines so they are able to hide the negatives well.

I still watch the NFL, but i enjoy a college game much more.  Hey don't call as many penalties, the play is more open, and you do get "David vs Golliath" games where it's either an upset or a blowout.  Also I like when big teams only really meet at the end of the season, after weeks of games to "build them up".  It leads to more people eating to watch the "big boys" play.