Tonight wasn't a good time. Made a call and thought I'd get the help I wanted and feel I've earned, if the talk that I was hearing was true. Talk is cheap, and I foolishly forgot same talk wasn't backed up when someone, who said such talk, tried to set me up to fail due to lack of support in an issue. Well, this person not only didn't help and potentially derailed plans, he tried to make me feel bad for his situation. I've been amped up about it since and have been in the red all night.
Help is something I don't take to. Not sure if I mentioned it, but I got a lot of help as a kid, either out of love or pity for my afflictions. At the stage I was and am at, I have a hard time telling what's what. When I was a kid, any accomplishment I did always had a level of hollowness or cheapness because I got some help. Maybe the help did make it happen, maybe it was just a minor thing, but a lot of the times the happiness I felt went to feelings of doubt and questioning did I REALLY "make it".
This feeling is sometimes why I come off how I do. I feel I need to do everything myself, and any help would lessen what I accomplish. I see now some situations where I was on the other side and tried to help and didn't have it accepted and it pissed me off. I should have "gotten it" how people feel when I don't accept their help. Today I'm a little better at accepting some help, but my controlling nature of me still clashes with it.
Whenever I was out of work, I accepted no help. I wanted to find MY job, and not feel like I "owe" someone or have someone hold the fact they got me the job over me.
I like BJJ a lot because, although others help, in a rolling session or tournament fight, it's just me and I have to make things happen for me to succeed. Working to learn more and earn knowledge and higher rankings are all on me to do. Get out what you put in type of stuff. It's sort of what mentality I have in a lot of things.
irony: I like helping others! I like making others better at something I know about. It helps all in the end. I feel the more experienced have an obligation to help the less experienced. It's so stupid how I don't accept help of the more experienced in my life, but also a hard habit to break for me.
To those who try to help and I don't take your advice: I'm sorry. I try to change, and it's a cycle I have a hard time to break.
Ha, I need help accepting other's help!!! But I'll help others.....