Let’s see, Overall I feel fine physically, but I wanted to list what’s been going on through all this time:
My health has been overall good. Doctor is happy where I am with my Diabetes. I also got one of those CGM gimmicks to check my blood glucose with my phone. It’s been helpful to see how my body reacts to different foods and how fast those levels go up or down after I eat or go for a long walk.
That’s my physical health. Mentally, It’s meh. I feel sad and low more than I should. I don’t talk to anyone and that’s partly my fault. I haven’t texted any friends in a long time. I want to, but I don’t. My job is there, but I want to not do it anymore. It was cool for a bit, but I need something better. I feel like I deserve something better, despite my feeling sometimes I am the slow, dim-witted person people seem to treat me as (I feel they do). Call me sensitive or whatever, but I feel like everyone still sees me as the blind kid who after that had to deal with being crippled for years, and I have dealt with feeling that as much as my parents loved me, they were too protective and sheltering.
I often do feel like I’m insecure about where my place is and my worth to everyone. That manifests as me being a bit prickly, and it’s usually at an inappropriate time. I annoy people with it, but at the same time I feel like if I am honest with people about how I’m feeling, people get annoyed and just blow it off, telling me to just “get over it”, or “ You had it good your life, stop complaining.” Pain is pain, and if you are the type to belittle someone’s pain it’s probably because you are overreacting to your issues and don’t like “competition”. Or you have a ton of unaddressed things you are too scared to face and someone sharing theirs triggers you.
My thoughts get out of control, which doesn’t help matters. I’m trying an exercise now to be “creative” for an hour, where I can wring my brain out of any thoughts. This post is an attempt to do that. I also am trying to look and learn different exercises to stop my mental runaways and how to boost my confidence. I feel like I am on eggshells all the time, especially when it comes to handling my daughter. it feels like I am being judged and graded on every aspect of how I speak or even look at her. It gets frustrating sometimes and makes my anxiety jump up. I can’t tell you how many times I feel the “Fight or flight” trigger is being danced on everyday. It’s not fair to my wife, daughter, and myself and I figuring out how to stop it.
One of the biggest problems I feel myself and my family have is that we almost never get away from each other outside of work hours. More often than not e are around each other and almost literally on top of each other. I”m not saying divorce or anything, but the only time I get out without it involving my wife or daughter is usually to work or a doctor’s appointment. Errands usually involve them at some level. My wife is the same. We both don’t see friends on a social level. We don’t hang out or even talk to others often. I don’t think that’s a good thing.
The one thing I had that got me out of the house was Jiu Jitsu. I miss it immensely. I miss grinding and sweating in the gym, just having fun and learning new moves and situations. It’s been almost a year since I stopped, and I miss it. When I go back, I will probably not feel like a brown belt again, which will suck for a while. I still think I can do all the things I used to do, just have to get my body back into shape. But for now it has to wait still. I miss the guys, but family is more important.
SO let me show you what my day is;
5am I wake up and get ready for work. I also make sure my daughter’s bag is packed and my wife is up at 6:30
6:45 leave to work
9:45 home on break and that usually means breakfast/lunch and any errands that need to be ran or house stuff to get done
1pm back to work
3:45 get home, change, and go pick up daughter
4:45-5pm return home to make dinner
6-6:30 have dinner
7:30 start to put daughter to bed with wife
8:15-8:30 daughter asleep
10:30 go to bed
As you see, that’s my life now. It is what it is and it’s just how things are.