This is a weird entry to write. I have not gone to a BJJ class for months. It’s not due to injury but I had to stop because of life.
I have a lot change in the past 18 months. Through the whole process I have tried to keep going to train. For a bit it kind of worked. I kept saying it was fine, but to be honest it wasn’t. When my daughter started school and I was the one picking her up, I would have to leave class early to shower and take the train back in time to pick up my kid from school. Travel to and from school was about 40 mins to an hour. So the noon class I would barely get to stay 40 minutes for. I kept saying to myself it was fine and I am happy to get any training in, but I left feeling so dissatisfied.
Eventually my new job made me go to the night classes. Again, I kept telling myself it was fine. It kind of was, but one night I realized everyone who trained when I started at Clockwork was not there. Either they left by choice or not, or many move to the morning class which was my favorite class. There were a couple guys still there, but I felt like an outsider amongst these young, out of college kids who spent their free time at the school. They were ex athletes in college and I did not relate or click with any I spoke to.
I honestly felt like an outsider for some time. I didn’t have the time to hang out at the school and train almost everyday. I would have loved to contributed more to the school, but either my schedule or just the lack of opportunity given to me caused that to never to happen. I think it didn’t help that I didn’t start my BJJ training there. I wasn’t an original. I think I could have offered more to students there even doing privates, but that never happened.
At some point my life got to where I almost had to fight to go one or two times a week, which really felt more like a drag to do. Again, the commute and class meant I spent several hours away and I know that bothered my daughter.
Going almost an hour to somewhere that I get only some satisfaction out of doing something I actually love and have to travel an hour home just didn’t appeal to me. Even when I was in class training I just couldn’t shake this feeing of dissatisfaction. Sometimes I would be paired up with a new guy, and I felt like I was teaching more than training. I was paying a lot of money to train and learn, not teach the new guy while his inexperience almost gets me injured. I also mentally was always thinking of something else going on either at home or at work.
What finally led me to end my membership at Clockwork was when I realized with my wife having her career blowing up and her job demanding more of her time and I had my jobs and my daughter had her things going on, I couldn’t schedule time to go work out. Weekend classes wouldn’t work since I had family commitments and responsibilities.
If I sound mad or bitter, I’m not. I know that the situation is simply something that happens. It’s like being at a job and trying to get into a good spot, but that never happened and your life events has you reevaluate your balance of “work/life”. Plus you’ve been there so long and you see everything seems the same but it’s gradually changed over time, it’s a shocking and sad realization.
Me leaving Clockwork is a better situation than the school I left before. No one at Clockwork lied to me, put me in a position where I had to step up and be a leader under pseudo-illegal practices or the classes wouldn’t have happened. No one at Clockwork had tried to throw me under a bus when someone got found out for claiming to teach classes but never did (I did and I did a damn good job running a class of upper belts at FUCKING BLUE BELT) like at my old school. Clockwork didn’t try to fuck me over because the school owner was having a fit over people who owned the place the school was in asked for the rent they were due which is why my old school moved ever two years.
Clockwork BJJ was honest with me, and treated me with a level of respect. Josh, Kyle, Juan, and every single person I learned under and trains with made me a better person on and off the mat. I thank them all and everyone reading this who trained with me. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!!! I wish I started my BJJ trip with you. When I came into the school, I was welcomed, and the transition to Clockwork was pretty easy despite me feeling I had to prove I wasn’t a fraud purple belt. Do I wish things were different? Yes, but shit happens for a reason. Hopefully that reason will show itself. I wish I could have gotten to the summit there, but looks like it isn’t in the cards.
So, what’s next? Fuck if I know! I want to finish the job and get my black belt. Right now I’m waiting to see where things fall that seem to be up in the air. Part of the issue is situations seem to change around me every three months in some form or another. Hopefully things settle down soon. I want to continue, since this is the only exercise that excites me. I can’t just go to a regular gym. I’m not a fucking hamster and doing weight training as a primary form of exercise seems like something more for simpletons. I want combat, which stimulates and strengthens my physical body as well as works out my mind. I know some schools pretty close to me, so maybe I’ll look into them. But right now my head is focused on other things.