This past week I lost my aunt. She’s the last aunt on my moms' side that died. It’s sad, but she isn’t suffering anymore from what she was going through.
From when she died to now, I have been trying to deal with and figure out in my head. Death points out the finite run there is in this world. Seeing everyone get older and know that they won’t be around forever is sad. I know I won’t be around forever for my little one, and it frightens me to think I may go before she is ready for the world.
I feel a lot of fear and anger. I have since my mom found out she had cancer and her other health issues popped up. I chose to stay around her and take care of her as best I could. I took her where she needed to go and tried to make sure she was comfortable. I felt I needed to do this. I’m not sure I wanted to, and that has led me to be angry and frustrated with the world. After she died, I never really had time to sit back and say “what am I doing? What’s going on?” I went back to work at a job I hated I had. I chose to stay at that job for some fucking reason after she died. That led to me not only keeping the anger I felt but making it grow.
I still feel it, I hate that I have it and I have taken it out on others, for which I’m sorry. I still feel miserable and frustrated with the world, even though I do have it ok. I have a beautiful wife and kid, and life isn’t bad. I know there’s something I want to do, but I don’t know what it is. What I am doing now is fine, but I feel like there’s something else and something more I should be doing.
As I said, I don’t think I had the time to sit down for a few days and figure shit out. When my mom died, she was buried and then the next day I went to work and then continued “keeping busy” for years. Over time I just feel like I haven’t hit the full potential in my life, which I admire parts of it are my fault. That makes me mad and bitter.
I tried talking to someone about this, but it was on an online service where it was more text, so the effect of the advice was good but I still felt unfulfilled. On top of this, I would talk to others and sometimes I would be flippantly told to get over it and or my problems aren’t as bad as others. When people ask how I’m feeling, I tell them I’m ok but others see it’s not true, which pisses people off and makes me dishonest. Sometimes I feel if I am open about how I feel I’ll get the response I just said I have gotten from people. Maybe people do that because they don’t understand and their initial reaction is to deflect, or some are just assholes.
This here has helped. This page as a sounding board has helped me. Like my thing about my uncle was great to get out. I have some other family members I may do that as well, and my old job and the supposed leaders of it, so expect more fun readings. I know people think it’s wrong or makes others uncomfortable with me saying what I say here, but I feel better after I do it and honestly, I’m tired of caring for others before myself, which is what got me in this situation in the first place.
As I said I tried online therapy, but I found this exercise of opening up here helps. I also find Jiu-Jitsu to be beneficial in many ways. First, my health is better: pre-pandemic I was 235 lbs, from when it started to coming back to BJJ I gained 25 lbs and felt like shit. Now, after 8 months back I’m down to 230 lbs and feel great. On top of that, the overall positivity at my school helps. We all support and help each other not just on the mats but outside. Plus it gets some aggression out. I get choked and almost crippled for fun, so at this point, people trying to intimidate me doesn’t work. I’ve been in bad situations for fun so it doesn’t bother me.
I thank you all for reading this and some even commented to me about it. I appreciate it.