I'm at this point again. MLS starts up soon, and I would like to get more involved in it again, but the time I need to invest I don't know about. I committed my time, money and mind to BJJ, and I feel much better about that.
Soccer, especially some of the element around it was negative to me, and unnecessary when I wanted to just go and have a good time. I couldn't handle it at one point so I stopped going. I remember the game that had me feel like I was "done". It was two years ago, I went and hung out with the usual people, went to the game, but felt no "pop" I once did. I left before the end of the first half and was comfortable feeling that I was "done" with soccer. During the game, all the anger and frustration I felt for the people and entities that pushed me and outright disrespected me was there, and I was happy to leave-in fact it was a relief to me.
Over time, one grows and learns and time heals wound and I felt my attitude change. Entities change and I found out the ones that fit me more...well, fit again like when I joined years ago. The faces and attitudes change and I'm much more at peace now. BJJ has helped teach me how to be at this point. You have to be when someone's trying to rip your arm off or choke you out. I"ve forgiven everyone I had issues with, and would like to move forward. Some seem to have, some still havent, but fuck them if they can't get over themselves and something in the long run is petty.
Today, I look at as much info on BJJ as much as RBNY/MLS. I feel more of that "pop" again, and it does feel good to have that sorted out. My commitment as I said is more to BJJ these days. My life had improved personally more from it. I have signed up to compete in one tournament, and maybe more soon. I am trying to get in even better shape and lose more weight for it. I rather be the big guy in the smaller class than the smaller guy in the giant class.
That's where I am conflicted: I am putting so much energy in this, I don't have the time or energy to spare for soccer. Last year at a charity event I said to myself I wanted to help one group more like I used to, but between BJJ and other projects which I will be getting into more detail at some point, the soccer thing fell by the wayside.
I'm not complaining, I'm damn lucky to have two things I enjoy in my life since some don't have anything, either by choice or circumstances-but mainly by choice. It's trying to figure out a balance that's the hard part.